awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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