Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
