Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
