If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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