he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
