I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
