i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
