I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
