Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just invented taco cereal.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
