and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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