So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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