I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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