she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
