3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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