If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
