You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
