I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
