I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
