Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
