i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
