I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
