You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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