i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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