I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
