what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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