i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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