??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
