In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
