So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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