If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We left an ass print on the piano.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
