two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
