i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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