By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
