: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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