I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
