I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
