Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
