Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
