Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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