I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
