I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
