My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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