Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
