I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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