Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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