That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
