Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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