apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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