That's intense
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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