so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
