i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
