were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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