if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
