I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
