your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
