I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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