just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
