Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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