remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
