history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
